happy is as happy does (happywriter06) wrote in mable54,
happy is as happy does

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Hi. I'm new. I started writing after almost 8 years of not writing anything. In high school I wrote a lot of poems. I actually had a few published. I wrote a lot of stories that I never finished. College and law school zapped my creative drive to actually sit down and put my thoughts on paper. Out of sheer boredom, I wrote a story last december. I was out of work, tired of watching TV and waiting by the phone. After I started working, I stopped. Then Prison Break came along. It got me writing again. 
I started writing fan fiction. Whatever your opinion, I'm grateful for all kinds of inspiration. And I'm happy to be writing so if a TV show had to be the catalyst, wonderful. Basically from the end of September till last week, I wrote over 20 pieces. I decided to take a break from writing fan fiction. I've challenged myself to write something non-PB related every day. The piece linked is the first thing I wrote. Don't worry it has nothing to do with PB despite the title. 

I'm Not Michael Scofield

He hates me and I care when usually I say, "F you " to people who hate me. I cannot say that to him and it is not because he is family. And it is not because at one point in time he was my favorite person in my family, perhaps my world. 

I should tell him to "F off" since I do not deserve all that hate. I deserve some of it because somehow I have not managed to make his freedom my life's goal for however long it takes for him to walk out of those gates. I do not even try, telling myself I cannot do it because of my own shortcomings. 

If hating me is what keeps him going, then so be it. He can hate me if it keeps him alive even if he lives in a cell with no control over his life. And he will not have any for the next twelve years.

I am not self-centered enough to think that hating me keeps him going. I know it does. He has told me in every letter he has written in the last few months. Each time I cry because it never gets any easier, at least for me, to be hated. 
Each time my husband tells me to forget him, that I did not do anything wrong, that my cousin should save himself. 

If he could save himself, he would not be in prison in the first place. If he could save himself, he would not have dropped out of school. If he could save himself, he could have seen a future where his God given talents would have made people wish they had been so blessed.

He could not save him. He cannot save himself. I can. I should.
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