March 11th, 2003

10

long and boring. read if you want.

what if i ever walked in on us?
watching two bodies careless of sheets.  resting.
breathing itself seems almost inappropriate.
sleeping.  our death.
watching two bodies carefully shaped,
meticulously placed into our own demise.
start from the toes
that's where it's most important.  the feet.
that's why they say your shoes are your character.  they're you.
you're always stepping all over yourself.
you trip all over your fucking personality.
i'm sorry about that.
move up over awkward ankles.
shimmy up calves, race over knees.
linger on those thighs.  my hips are wider than yours.
our legs are entangled skin on skin.
they contrast terribly but still
i'm so afraid i'll be unable to distinguish mine from yours.
i bet this happened in every war.  
we are soldiers without a cause.
keep going.  faster.  move faster.
stomachs.  chests.  all a fucking blur.   they never matter anyway.
they never matter in things that matter.
they never matter.  never ever but i cared so fucking much.  
shoulders.  stop.  look carefully at the way you look.
right shoulder.  right arm placed under your head.  right arm
placed upon a pillow that is placed upon a bed that
is resting on a floor that holds the frame of a door
that harbors the lock that opens the answer.
it doesn't matter what the expressions are on
those faces.  facades.  i want to rip your fucking
face off sometimes.  i mean that.  
suddenly you feel like running out.
holy shit, holy shit what if they start waking up?
of course that won't happen because you'll never
walk in on yourself & your boyfriend.
physically impossible.  stop hyperventilating idiot.  
especially if such a scenario never even
happened.  ever.  it's called figurative language, pervs.
but hypothetically, & figuratively, what if you
(the you that is currently resting on the bed)
decides to open her eyes.  slowly.  because she/i
hate doing anything at all too quickly.
then he opens his eyes too.  then they stare
at each other.  you stare at them staring at each other.
she/i is completely aware of how close that door is.
she/i looks at him & is completely unafraid.  is a little sad.
she/i is a little sad because of the fact that she is completely unafraid.
she/i is aware of the fact that despite the fact that he is
in actuality (but hypothetically & figuratively) right there,
she/i misses him greatly.  
he smiles.
so you turn to leave.   
wondering how long it will be until she/herself follows.
hypothetically & figuratively.